Ok. Time to get real real.
Loneliness has so many levels for me, especially living in a city like New York. Let's start off by saying, I am an introvert. I've grown up internalizing pretty much everything and never really addressing it. To be very honest, I think I've only experienced having one real best friend in my life so far and I don't even think it counts since he was also my boyfriend... so yeah, that should tell you how bad my trust issues are haha!
But back to the topic... I like being alone, I enjoy my own space and because I internalize so much, I often prefer it. But then there are moments when it gets a little too much and I get lost in my head... in my own world. I find myself only really having surface conversations/relationships with people to further distance myself, almost as if I'm not really there. I could be surrounded by a
group of people and still feel like the only one in the room. It's a very jarring feeling.
Living in NY has made me painfully aware of my loneliness and it also doesn't help that just about everyone is about their hustle and doesn't have time to truly connect or rather, they don't care to put the effort in because so much other shit is going on (which I'm guilty of as well). As this distant feeling continues, the fear set in and I see how much I constantly miss out on like events, parties, dinners etc. When I get really lonely, I make all the worst decisions because that's when I wanna return to where I felt most comfortable i.e. ex-boyfriends/girlfriends but of course, I'm just looking for that connection, that sense of belonging that's not in my life. Although there is this terrible sense of distance, to avoid feeling like a burden/pest on friends, I tend to overanalyze open conversations with myself whether via journaling or voicenotes... totally not weird!
It's been hard for me to allow myself to really FEEL my emotions. I know this may very well be the first step to defeating my loneliness.